There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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