I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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