We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
