you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
