I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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