1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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