the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
