did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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