Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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