dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
