I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
