you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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