Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
