if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
