Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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