I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
