Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
