i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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