well I can't set my house on fire every night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
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