You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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