yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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