Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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