11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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