he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
whose ass print is on the piano?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
