she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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