True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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