I think i peed on brittanys purse
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
