I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
