false alarm. still invincible.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
