My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
