there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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