why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
