my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
