What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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