I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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