I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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