found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
