that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
