Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Everclear isn't food dammit
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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