If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
