My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Boobs speak an international language.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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