Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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