you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
