I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
