Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
