i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
