this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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