he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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