so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
