my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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