I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
