Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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